i wonder…

what happened to my jazz dance teacher. i took classes when i was a kid. i wasn’t any good. i learned that one pretty early on. you accept it when you tend to bounce and hop, instead of glide and slide. whew.

why students nowadays think they are too cool for school. that’s just uncool.

why some people feel so entitled. like the world owes them.

how i could learn to bathe FASTER.

how you answer the question: “Miss, is it okay if I don’t do as you say?” and “Miss, is it okay if I do it my way even though you’ve pretty much spent so much time teaching us a pattern of organization?”. Of course students don’t say it that way. But do they ever mean it? Many, many, many effing times.

why I cannot stop touching my ears.

why it’s just so good to eat breakfast food at lunch and dinner time.

whether i was a good leader or a good bully in high school. maybe it’s the former. or maybe my classmates just loved eating for free and didn’t mind that i was pushing them around a bit

why i even bother setting the alarm clock when i awake at 4 a.m., whether i mean to or not anyway.

what i’m doing here blogging when i have essays to mark and an exam to finish.

who really cares?

 

rave, rant, rave, rant… live.

God does provide. For most of my life (I’ve always called it semi-charmed. by my standards, it is…), I never had to worry about the rainy days. The rainy days did come, but I just had to pray, have faith and a strong resolve. God did provide. FAITH is the courage to accept acceptance; faith is the courage to believe that God loves you. I am no angel, but shame on me if I ever doubt or forget how God had given me more than enough despite my imperfections.

The society where I exist frowns upon being forward and confrontational, no matter if you are in the right. I have discovered that despite people’s judgments of me as either frank (if they like me enough) or coarse (obviously, if they have no love lost for me), I actually do bite my tongue a lot. My mom and unlucky housemates have to suffer from my venting too many a time. Lately though, I have noticed that every time I let pass an opportunity to set things right, just because I try to avoid confrontation, I go home feeling aggrieved and violated. Again, I am not the sweetest thing in the world, but I wear my manners and my consideration for others every day. Someone says it is better to offend people than let them offend me. See – that is true. I was just not built to take crap.

Stress has a way of getting to me – now. Lately, people and circumstances have been especially challenging. Drivers who do worse than hog their lanes. Buses on Taft Avenue. People who get on an elevator even before anyone could get off. Professors who refuse to recognize that the workplace is a place for work, and not a place to play schoolyard games. People who demand too much from me, as if we have ever been on that terms. Students who think they are doing ME a favor with the things they do in class. People who walk slow when you are hurrying to get somewhere. I get enough doses of daily stressors to make me want to pull my hair. On worse days, I hear myself wondering whether it’s all worth it. THEN the world sends me something to make me snap out of IT – a home to come home to (two, actually. one on weekdays; another on weekends). A phone call from mom. Students who do something sweet. A beauty sale. Someone getting what she has been praying for and toiling over for a long time –some sweet success (not mine, but just as good for my heart). Breakfast food for dinner. Some old new music. A film that I have wanted to catch on TV. A REALLY good hair day. Something to laugh about. The world is going to turn the way it wills itself to. A cousin says I choose my attitude. I’m just glad I am sane, because I can stop myself from snapping. I’m ok.

Manage expectations. It’s my fault. I subscribe too much to reciprocity. I value loyalty. I expect. I think some things do not really need explaining – they just are. But no. some people just do not ‘work’ that way. Some people are just not built like that. Some people just have their cake, eat it and expect to get yours – which you are willing to give, although they don’t deserve it. Some others you just want to smother with cake because they just cannot get enough. I am just out of more lame analogy. I think I just want to say: I wish some people just turn into cake because that’s all they are – empty calories.

*Sigh*

 

if life were a song…

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
number one – john legend (better than OKAY. hay naku.)

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
the last time – keane (??? yeah. didn’t get that either.)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A LOVER?
the dynamo of volition – jason mraz (dynamo? volition? what?)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
breakeven – the script

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
love isn’t – same same (sabi ko na nga ba e…)

6. WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
make it mine – jason mraz (yeah. way to go, self!)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
realize – colbie caillat

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
kissing a fool – george michael (ha??! sus. kala lang ni mama ‘yun)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
love bug – jonas brothers (grabe… love bug na, jonas brothers pa.)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
free – brooke white

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I hate this part – pussycat dolls (sorry gina. sorry marifi )

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
starlight – muse (eherm. celestial.)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
northern star – melanie c. (i was gonna say ‘to just grow up’)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
have a little faith in me – john hiatt

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
breakfast at tiffany’s – deep blue something (naks. can’t wait to be wed. este, to dance.)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
you can’t always get what you want – rollingstones (hay naku, I know, ok? I know.)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
innocent – our lady peace (weh.)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
ooh child – hall & oates (right on. )

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
show stoppin’ – danity kane (yeah, I’m a born diva. I’ve always suspected that.)

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
make up – jesse mccartney (e may jonas brothers na nga e. jesse mccartney naman wehehe!)

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
only human – jason mraz (of course, right?)

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
broken strings – james morrison feat. nelly furtado

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. DON’T LIE.
4. Tag friends (me also, so I can see your results) or however many you want. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.

 

mini-strategies

• when in traffic, take time to sleep. or interview yourself. the forced silence when you have to sit alone could help you in reevaluating your self.
• when you have to wait in line anywhere, and you have time to spare anyway, wait. there is a good chance that you’d end up buying only half of whatever is in your basket or cart. you know: needs versus wants.
• when reading something, and you own the book anyway, write marginal notes. or keep a little notebook to jot down little bursts of ideas, sentiments or realizations. it’s always nice to be able to take away a little something from whatever you read.
• when you feel like eating but you aren’t quite sure what you want to eat, walk around and see all your choices. by doing so, you’ve already eaten with your eyes. if you’re lucky, you’d realize you aren’t so hungry afterall.
• when shopping for toiletry, buy the smaller sizes. if you like what you bought, you’d use it to the last drop and could always buy again. if you don’t like or grow tired of what you bought, at least you don’t waste an entire 200 ml. bottle of shampoo.
• when you feel like splurging on restaurant dining, try something or somewhere new every so often.
• when you cannot help but wash your hands more often than you think you should, put in a drop or two of moisturizer with your hand soap.
• if it doesn’t feel right to say yes, don’t. resentment is a lot of weight to carry around.

 

convictions

if i got a dollar for every time i summon or convey or just rustle up a new opinion — i’d be obscenely wealthy. if i double the dollar for every time i truly take up the opinion as a conviction, i’d be more than obscene hee! hee!

i almost always have opinions coming right out of my ears. i do not really expect others to take them up as their own, but i surely do stand by them.

a discussion of Dante’s The Comedy is the reason for this blabbering. i think it makes sense. indifference is a sin indeed.

i usually make my students laugh when i ‘accuse’ them of just sharing in the oxygen of the universe (and therefore, being a waste) every time they could not seem to make up their mind on a yes-no question. they know i mean it, though.

as in the famous epic, there is punishment for those who wouldn’t shed blood or tears for anything.

i may not always be right.

but i take a stand.

and people can count on me to never be on the fence when they need me to be on their side. when i am not on theirs, at least they know it, too. there is peace in truth.

 

new old poem

i am writing this after a long time of wanting to but deliberately avoiding to write something (i know i could have put that one better…).

one of my new year’s resolutions is to try my best to NOT ENTERTAIN negative feelings too much. and by not entertaining them, i mean NOT TALKING about them.

it’s going to be such a shot. like a three-pointer. from the opponent’s end of the court. with one hand. and eyes shut. could i be any more lame?

i am a fan of venting. to a close (unfortunate) few. and in here. I feel that it keeps me sane.

however, on brighter days (which actually come quite often) and i read the thoughts i have written — i feel like i am doing my existence an injustice by painting such a dreary picture of it.

nowadays, my work is getting to me a little more than ever, and in many years. often i forget that while it is a part of my life, it isn’t my life.

then in occurred to me: if i could avoid venting too much, and just take things in stride a little more, maybe i’d feel more at ease. if i could just worry less and accept that i can not control every thing (no matter how hard i try), i’d see clearer. if i could just allow myself not to be too disappointed by people, i’d feel less perturbed about possibly disappointing others myself.

something (or someone) in the universe is probably sending me this poem. i will be bold to admit that tonight is the first time that i ever really read it. i remember having seen it on too many walls. i remember having seen it on too many notebooks and journal covers and calendars.

i’ve only paid attention now. and what a time to actually read it.

DESIDERATA

(things to be desired)

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

okay. i’m okay.

 

christmas

…had been fine.

not great, as i had wanted it to be.

but not lame. or lonely. or sad. just fine.

one day in the mall (of all places), i was ‘playing wise’ and shared to someone that recently, what has made me way happier and more peaceful is my resolve to just stop expecting.

no, it isn’t succumbing to mediocrity. or being lame. or losing aim. it’s just that the biggest heartaches i have ever suffered have been caused by my idealism. by my planning. by my counting and placing. it’s the libran in me — obsessive.

but christmas. it’s just one of those things i spend at least half the year waiting for. i couldn’t NOT have expectations.

this one, however, started off kinda wrong. too cramped. too bustling. too full of the unwanted. too different.

i’m sure i was being selfish. but we all are selfish, one way or another. and i couldn’t convince myself that i wanted what or who was around on the one holiday that i treasured like nothing in the world. it was like looking forward to the usual simple warm pie, then getting something so darn different — like fruit cake, which looks fun and bursting. only, that wasn’t what i longed for.

so i have holiday expectations. bite me.

things did get better later on the 24th. more people came. the ones that made this particular holiday what it has always been. i did get my pie…

but really, the child (still very active, in fact) in me, had already been disenchanted. so much so that i have to write about it, or this is going to carry on until the new year.

am i being a brat? of course, i am. i should have known better than to harness expectations.

 

one night…

…I had the strangest, most unexpected dream –

not because it had characters not present in my life. one is. for some half-sweet, half-sickening enough-already reason.

not because it featured people I do not know. I know those people. i just haven’t seen one in a long time. the other, I have never met, but I know exactly who he is.

not because the events could not ever happen. they could. I just could not, to save my sanity, think of ways they could actually come to be. not now. not even in the near future.

not because it felt surreal. it did not. in fact, it felt too real. when I woke up, I felt like checking the other bedroom in the house, because that’s where they were. and they were making themselves comfortable.

not because I felt differently in that dream. in fact, the dream kind of validated how ambiguous or ambivalent I felt about the very possibility. when I speak about it, I hardly make sense. in the dream, I was exactly that – could not make sense of it all. I did not know what to think or how to feel. that’s just how it is in real life.

I have not been visited by a dream for some time now. the most recent ones, however, have just been either hilarious or ridiculous or weird.

I remember one where I supposedly lose all my hair. I woke up crying; I also did not wash my hair that morning.

in another, I miss a deadline at work and do not know what to do. that’s just ridiculous – I always know my way around a missed deadline (wink!wink!)

but this one was different. it wasn’t sad or tragic or heartbreaking. they say you dream of the last thing in your conscious mind before you retired: i remember thinking of what to wear for a dinner date with friends the next day. some say you dream of what lurks in your subconscious: my subconscious is way more interesting than I am then. and more positive. and less afraid of herself. darn it.

but it was all good. I think I actually am getting better.

I liked it that I was not a different person in that dream. I liked it that nothing and no one felt unfamiliar.

I liked it that there, I thought and felt the same way I’ve always expected I would.

I liked it that in that dream, half of my questions seem answered.

I liked it that while it didn’t end happily, it really didn’t end at all.

 

characters

I spend a considerable part of my existence in the workplace. it has to be a longer debate how much of my actual life is devoted to my work, because as I grow older (and maybe a tad wiser), I have been finding myself particularly STRICT about expending extra time at work than what is officially expected.

it’s something I hold especially important. I am never frugal on effort, but I do resent it if work takes away time I should already have for myself or the people or activities that matter to me and my sanity. the corporate or professional slaves call it lack of commitment. I call it trying to strike a friggin’ balance. I am a teacher, so anyone who starts talking commitment with me better be ready for a spanking discussion.

so anyway, the workplace is always an interesting object of analysis. I could attempt to be highly cerebral and call it a paradigm of life itself. paradigm of life my ass. I am glad there’s a life outside of work. the hodgepodge of characters I have ever gotten to work with and/or still get to work with every day is enough to test one’s rationalization, patience and sense of humor. I am not complaining. I am just saying.

there are those who are a gift to work with. they are those who let you rave about the little achievements in the classroom. they are those who could listen to you rant a little every so often, because sometimes all you need is someone who really understands where you are coming from. they do not offer advice, until you ask for it. they do not rush to lecture you on their teaching philosophy, as if to illustrate that you had better adopt it to alleviate your classroom worries. they do not make you feel like your difficulties as a teacher are a mere result of your incompetence. they understand that it is one (beautiful) thing to share ideas, but it is another to encroach on another’s teaching style or approach. they allow you to say that you are tired and that there are students who deserve a little less tenderness. they know that ‘delegation of responsibility’ means doing your part of the job well and expecting others to do the same. they respect experience but welcome innovation. they understand that while we are here for the long haul, we aren’t here to make endless acts of charity – so that pay check better come on time OR OF COURSE, I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO RAISE HELL. or again, to just rant a little.

there are those who are either ass-kissers or just plain too forgiving. they are the ones who always have an excuse to offer for someone’s (or a department’s) incompetence. one can screw up on an important assignment but they would still give him credit – for at least finishing it. they let friendship cloud their judgment, so you end up having ineffective meetings because their friends just cannot stop trying to be funny nor take the darn thing seriously. I like them as my “boss” because I am pretty dedicated, but sometimes, I wish they could just see things as they actually are. and those friends? really. NOT FUNNY.

there are those that are either obscenely cheeky or just insensitive. they take up a lot of space and deprive others of theirs, and they think it’s fine because they were there first or they are used to having it that way. they think their troubles should be everyone else’s and their tasks are so darn important they take it as a license to bother or delay you while you attend to yours. oh the name is just rolling out of my fingers….

there are those who think competence comes with age and seniority. I respect my elders or my seniors. but when they act as much as they feel they are the boss of me, I have a problem with that. when they try to get away with irresponsibility or taking advantage of others just because they’ve been there longer than me, I go thinking. whatever it is they have to say to you, they do so in a manner that’s either condescending or awfully patronizing. whatever your problem is: they have been there and they have done that. but who is actually asking?

there are those who are just cloying. nauseatingly sweet. sickeningly upright. they never get angry. everything should be settled with kindness and calm. you raise your voice a little – are you angry? you speak in a pitch that’s higher than usual – are you angry again? you walk in not smiling – oh, are you in a bad mood? you tell a student off – you are just plain horrible. they think the less transparent you are with your emotions, the better a person you become. see, we are different from each other. but never try to convince me that by acknowledging my emotions and by losing my temper sometimes, I have to be sent to an asylum. CLOYING. you know, like chocolate. you think it’s all good and sweet. but it really can hurt you bad. rawr!

there are those whose memory is a little questionable. they REMEMBER you when it’s convenient. like when they need your editing skills. or your stuff. or when they need you to answer a question for them. give it a few minutes though, and you and they are back to being total strangers. the things we do to survive. it’s almost too predictable.

work is good. imagine life if we were all the same

 

new favorites

josh hoge

artists: josh hoge, one republic, the script

songs: 360, living for the city, stop and stare, the man who can’t be moved

oishi’s PODS vegetarian pea snack (wink! wink! vegetarian…), danish cookies

using two teabags in one mug