i’m starting this blog today — another among the many i maintain for sometime then just forget mainly because life suddenly gets too simple and uneventful to even write about. my mind is always teeming with things to say and not say — but right now, there’s nothing much flowing.
this is one of those days that seem neither right nor wrong. is this quarter-life crisis when you feel like you’re into so many things but are not really getting anywhere? whatever this may be called, it makes sense, at least. my life has just begun. it isn’t as exciting as what i’d expect a person my age’s life should be — but it has begun. i’m half embarassed, half heartened to tell myself i’m growing up.
i’ve never really counted the years in my life as lucky and unlucky or good and bad. this year, i’d say is a year of lessons. on frustration. on counting your blessings (as i’ve always had — without reservations and resentment) and being ready to lose what seems to be the best of them. on talking myself into believing that there’s a reason for everything — not so much because i’m sure it’s true but because it’s the only thing that can keep me hopeful and sane. on being happy for the moment because life is really lived by the moment. on not expecting people to be how i wish them to be, or i might as well set myself up for a heartbreak. on money — and how it’s not the only thing necessary to make the people i love dearly happy, but how come my efforts have been all for it and to not much avail? on not just trying to be the best person i can be but BEING the best person i can be one day at a time. a lot more — but this year, i’m growing up and realizing that God has a way of making you wonder and keep wondering until you are strong , faithful and positive enough to believe in your hypothesis of things, which although based on experience and life logic, is really just a hypothesis based on uncertainty.
nobody told me about life being really out of one’s hands on situations that really matter. i must have ssen, heard and read about it on film and other people’s lives — but my life has always seemed different. special, i’d even call it — based on the standards of good and happy that i’ve set (which are manageable — very simple, really). i’m growing up. i will stop trying to take control like i’ve always done. i will stop letting the superficial be the measure of my achievements, like i’ve always believed but seem to always veer away upon pressure from i don’t know who or what. i will believe that although dreams are spun, the world does not come crumbling down when dreams seem out of reach. i will believe it when i am told that there must be something better, bigger and sweeter waiting for me out there when something i want and have prayed for so badly goes up to nothingness. i will stop overthinking and just believe that things will happen in God’s time. i will start just being happy and not feel guilty about being happy.
and this is when nothing much is flowing… i am sane. i know because i don’t have to convince myself that i am — even when all these thoughts make my eyes tear up from feelings i cannot even begin to name.
