the night before i was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my former student’s wedding, i had THE conversation that i felt was constantly looming over me eversince i turned 30. how predictable. a student getting married before i. ugh! (i love you, anyway, joyie…)

it is THAT conversation that makes reunions less fun. or another wedding in the family dreadful to attend. like a rainfall waiting to have me drenched, just when i’m already hating my hair. like a zit that appears just when i’m already feeling bloated. i could overwhelm you with the profundity of my concept of tragedy…

the view from MY row

the view from MY row

anyway, i felt it coming the second my tito asked whose wedding it was going to be. when i said the bride was my student (and not a friend from school — which is how things are supposed to happen), i knew the lecture was a few breaths away.

then out came the words of wisdom. that i wasn’t getting any younger. that i might not have babies. that the mind was put higher than the heart, and so the heart can actually be taught. that marriage is not all for love and all that romantic hoopla, but also for security. that above my personal desires or ideals, what i just have to look for is someone who loves me more than i do him. that if i don’t hurry, i might end up marrying for companionship — because that’s all i could offer, and so that’s all i could expect to get.

sounds logical. and self-preserving. clinical, in my tito’s own words. i am sure he meant well. but i was kind of hurt.

i am not a lost cause. i know i make jokes about how my clock is ticking awfully loud, but i am not counting myself off the list of people who deserve to get their heart’s desire. i know i am not getting any younger; in fact, i am old enough to realize that marriage is not one of those things i could set a deadline for, because it’s the rest of my life that i put at stake.

i think it would be cool to have my turn to be a mom, but if i wasn’t meant to be one, then so be it. that’s what my faith tells me. and i know of people who had children after 30. i’d be 31 in a couple of months, but things happen when you least expect them.

i know that the mind is put higher than the heart, but the heart pumps blood to make everything go on working. i know that a lot of things in life are a state of mind, but one could only convince himself too much. sooner or later, i wouldn’t want my unhappiness creeping up on me — just because i denied it was there in the first place. call me idealistic, but that’s just how i am built.

i believe that marriage is a lot of things. but it isn’t something i would want to do out of fear of being alone. of course, i am scared to death of ending up old and gray and alone — but that’s not less scary than being old and gray AND STUCK.

yes, it sounds comforting to be the one more loved than the other. but i think it’s pretty selfish. among the reasons why i would want to get married is waking up with the one i love next to me, and having someone to hold hands with, and spending idle hours just talking and dreaming, and sharing dinner, and traveling, and having someone to laugh and cry and pray with — among many others. that’s quite a lot to do with someone i am not crazy about. that isn’t going to be fun.

right now, i’m fine. i am okay. i don’t rely on people for my own happiness, because i know what makes me happy. i have been through enough in my little semi-charmed life to know that i have a lot of misgivings with SETTLING. i know i am not one for display, but i am more than someone to marry-already-because-holy-god-she’s-running-out-of-time-have-pity-please.

no, i am not setting myself up for spinsterhood. i’m not. i just haven’t reconciled with the new notion about marriage — as being a PRACTICAL thing. of course i wouldn’t marry a charming but jobless pole to save my single life, but i wouldn’t want to have someone think i owe him for marrying me. that is going to be the worst feeling and no one deserves to feel that way. if this is the reason i am still unmarried, i plead no contest.