5 and more

5 beautiful things to smell

1. elizabeth arden green tea, clinique happy, baby powder
2. the smell of the early morning
3. fresh sheets
4. a new book
5. freshly-baked bread

5 beautiful things I am looking forward to

1. christmas dinner
2. a trip to japan in december – hopefully
3. mom choosing the oven she wants for Christmas
4. buying a gift for myself
5. shopping for little somethings for Christmas (still)

5 songs I have on repeat right now

1. signed, sealed, delivered – blue/stevie wonder
2. underneath the stars – mariah carey
3. happy ending – mika
4. as – george michael/mary j. blige
5. across the universe – beatles

 

5 things… again

it has been almost 2 years since i last did THIS, which i found HERE.

two days ago, someone almost ruined my day by making a comment, which (to give her the benefit of the doubt) was perhaps just an honest and innocent remark gone bad. however frank some people say i am, i insist that i actually just speak a part of my mind. as i grow older, i find that i do edit myself a lot. if i didn’t, i would have less to vent on this journal (or mom, or my niece, or my cousins..).

so when a person speaks to me for the FIRST time and tells me that she “never thought that i was nice and sweet to my students because i didn’t look like it” — i do not know how to feel exactly. did she actually believe that was a compliment? so how far has she actually judged me prior to making that comment? and why the hey does the burden of speaking first to people rest on me? why do they not try approaching me first — for a change?

i bit my tongue so hard then it almost bled. well figuratively. i am older now, and even though i can’t say i don’t care — i am deciding not to dwell on people’s fickle minded tendencies. i am deciding to stop being bothered and just look at the better side of things.

for days now, i have been getting text messages and email from students thanking me for the grade they got, and lots more of the words a teacher could not help but be touched and inspired with — all mush and schmaltz taken. of course no thanks was necessary: they did all the work and they were graded based on that.

so really — if i do not look so kind, who cares?

my list of this week’s bright spots:

1. Johnson’s daily calming body wash. does work.

2. sleeping in.

3. dinner with a friend i work with but haven’t really seen much of during the last few days of the recent semester. there was much to chat about and catch up on — gossip, rants, classroom stories, etc.

4. red toe polish.

5. Ray LaMontagne’s music.

 

my students…

ROCK. did well on the departmentals. gave good speeches. i am almost like a proud mama. it’s embarrassing.

that’s it. i just have to remember

 

uh yeah, that’s the point…

Two nights ago, when I was supposed to be doing something more important, I decided to watch (really watch) this primetime drama on TV. Mom was there, frustrated at how I could not shut up and annotate. I blame rizza, my cousin. She’s a smart ass. I take from her.

So anyway, in the scene were a major heartthrob, a former local showbiz heartthrob who is here again but is kind of stuck in his time, and this beautiful but unbelievably pale actress. In the story, the girl is a hesitant fugitive. The scene had her trapped among people who wanted to protect her from the dangers of being in jail, those that just honestly believed she deserved to be in jail and those who just wanted her dead. Pretty intense, huh? Then the characters had to speak:

heartthrob stuck in his time: (panting, not sweating, standing chest out) miguel, si catherine?

major heartthrob: (panting, sweating a little, very cute) nakatakbo siya, pero hindi ako sigurado kung safe siya!

heartthrob stuck in his time: (after 3 seconds or so) miguel, si catherine, kailangan natin siyang mahanap!

me: (incredulous) uh, duh. oo nga. obvious ba? you’ve been doing that for the longest time, haven’t you all? you really had to state the freakishly obvious?!

cousin rizza: (erupts in laughter) bakit gano’n si gabby? komang?

these local TV dramas are just something. and don’t they all still subscribe to the conventions pretty well? when you hear something strange and scary, don’t stay put – go check out what it is. and don’t turn on the lights…

me: when I get to direct one of these things, I will make the characters act normal. when you talk, you sit down facing each other. that’s how normal people discuss. they don’t stand, grab a glass of whisky, look far away, and deliver a poem. you sit down.

cousin rizza: but make the characters do a song and dance at the end, ok? and make the last scene a jumping shot. at the beach, where they all jump on cue, then shot freezes!

Yeah. Will do exactly that

 

words words words

so i have found a love theme. if only i can find a (the) man who’s half the cornball to sing this with me. or for me. they don’t write songs this way anymore. (dream a little dream of me, the mamas & the papas)

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper “I love you”
Birds singin’ in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

and this is my ‘leave-me-alone-i’m-being-happy-solo’ song… (pocketful of sunshine, natasha bedingfield)

I got a pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know that it’s all mine
Do what you want,
But you never gonna break me,
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me

and this. this. how much more in denial can a girl be? (you’re in love, wilson phillips)

Open the door, come in
I’m so glad to see you my friend
Don’t know how long it has been
Having those feelings again.

And now i see that you’re so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free
And i’d like to see us as good of friends
As we used to be

You’re in love
That’s the way it should be
’cause i want you to be happy
You’re in love, and i know
That you’re not in love with me
Ooh it’s enough for me to know
That you’re in love
Now i’ll let you go
’cause i know that you’re in love

i’m still thinking why i like these words. (undiscovered, james morrison)

You see the look that’s on my face
You might think I’m out of place
I’m not lost, no, no, just undiscovered

Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it’s gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I’m with you now
Believe there’s nothing wrong

You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside but I just want you to find me

this song is probably one of those that i loved because of the words. i listen to it when i am sad or lonely, or frustrated, and i truly feel better. (chasing pavements, adele)

If I tell the world,
I’ll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that’s exactly what I need to do,
If I’m in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

i wanna write songs. i’m in that phase. wow.

 

another semester ends

i have a problem with endings. my endings, i mean.

of course, if it were a movie or a story — i can not wait for it to end. same is the reason that i can not be made to watch TV series that go 30 minutes a day for months. no freaking way. i’d watch the final 3 or 4 episodes, and i realize that i didn’t really miss a lot.

so anyway, what i have a real problem with are the endings in my own life drama. see i take time to get comfortable and warm up to anything, or anyone for that matter. when i do get settled into the mush of things, i invest — time, concern, effort, commitment. i am in there hook, line and sinker.

while most of last semester had been a breeze, a part of this recent semester was kind of a struggle. i had some really fun and funny classes. but i had this one class that i just couldn’t seem to break into. they’re quick to withdraw and resort to silence than any other class i have had in the past. motivating them was as easy as checking out my ear — without a mirror. tardiness and absence there wasn’t an exception; it was the rule. at one point, i felt that they drained whatever happy spirits i bring in every single time. eventually, i became a little too quick to anger around them. frustration equals indignation. many times, i felt sick minutes before i had to attend the class. twice a week, i went home emotionally tired. definitely not a walk in the park, this class was.

this same issue was what made me dread the ending of the semester. i wanted more time. i wanted to do better by them, although i felt i had given them my best. i wanted to make sure everything i did has not been in vain. i needed to make sure they weren’t as ‘tired’ as i was.

there really is peace in praying. i am not religious, but i believe in asking the universe what i want or need. i was heard.

the last meeting had been appeasing. my students tried and did their best. never i mind about some that just went through the motions as if they had already made the grade — there are always those sort of students in any class. my students gave me reasons to compliment them, and they looked proud of what they have accomplished. in their exam papers, many expressed what i hoped with all my sanity they would soon realize. it was probably one of the few times that i saw my students in that class looking happy, instead of just relieved because another speech class session is over.

i’m happy.

 

oh money

just a thought: would anyone really want to get out of a maze like this one?

hmmm… yeah. i hate standing, too.

 

note to self: make this one out

parts of jason mraz’s song, ‘details in the fabric’. i’m sure that somehow, this makes relevant sense to me…. will keep ME posted.

Are the details in the fabric?
Are there things that make you panic?
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are there things that make you blow
Oh, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault of faulty manufacturing

 

sick but stoked

This year's tree is pretty

yesterday, i welcomed another bout of colds, headache and cough — exactly how it has always been a few weeks before my birthday.

i am getting another year older (none the wiser, i feel) in a few shakes. i am again feeling ambiguous about it. but i’ve decided to stop being so introspective and just live by the moment. all the planning has given me loads of frustration in the past, and for the first time in a long while — i have resolved to just be happy.

i have more than enough to be happy about. this weekend has especially been an enjoyable one. we (well, cousin rizza for the most part really) spruced up the little house with as much christmas decor as our walls could carry. i just love christmas, and everything that it brings with it — family, the decor, the cheer, the presents (gotten and given), the out-of-town trips, the planning, the food, the splurging (and eherm… the jessica mcclintock i’m getting)…

i just love christmas. and you would probably cringe at how giddy i am writing this.

so there. i have none much to write about. i am just so looking forward for christmas. and yeah, turning 31. whatever.

 

affirmation

this isn’t a rant at all, but last week was not the best week. I felt STRESS in all its forms.

not that I mind so much. I am not so calm and laid back a person, in the first place. I do sweat the small stuff sometimes. that’s how I’m built. all those self-help books lose business with me. I am emotional, and I do not apologize for it.

a bad last straw however came in some little talk that, I learned, was made about me.

I scolded a student. I did lose my temper, and the poor girl got a mouthful. Some people supposedly thought the situation should’ve been resolved in a way that did not include telling off and speaking out.

I disagree. I understand, but was still a little hurt that out of all the amounts of kindness and genuine serious concern that I afford my students, some people still chose to define my person by that singular (warranted) outburst. She had it coming. It was not like I got angry at the drop of a hat. I am not the sweetest person. So sue me. But I am not evil.

• I make my students laugh.
• I make them feel good about themselves and forgiving about their own shortcomings.
• I share with them lessons I wish I had learned earlier in my life.
• I do all I can to make learning significant and relevant.
• I strive to be able to call them by their name.
• I try hard to make them feel that just a tad more hard work is going to solve things when I see them resigned to mediocrity.
• I even dare say, but without resentment, that the time, money and energy I spend on my students are worth more than double of what I actually get paid for.

All that, and I cannot get angry when a student lies to my face and causes me potential problems that would be beyond my control to solve? I don’t get it at all.

Unlike others, I do not always choose to simplify. I do not believe in punishing to substitute for making sure a student learns lessons on honesty, responsibility and respect for other people’s time. It’s like spanking your child — not to hurt him, but to drive home a point. To take the offered resolution is like punishing, without consideration of whether the more important lesson was learned at all.

In the end, I think the child understood why I had to take to the rod. I see it. I didn’t break her.

I also got flowers, from someone I am yet to know.

I met a group of students who told me they missed my class.

Now I realize this – as long as my students get it, I do not have to be the unruffled, most unperturbed teacher on earth. I can’t be cool and care at the same time. I just can’t. If I do not get so rich in this job, I had better do enough to at least make the world a tad sadder when I’m gone.